Urban Table – Where the elite beautiful dwell

Ever sit down at a restaurant and notice that everyone around you is way better looking and appears to have way more money than you? Because that happens to us every time we brunch at Urban Table.

Around the room, I didn’t see a single person that couldn’t be a trophy spouse for a richer, more successful sugar momma/daddy. Which, after being an adult for awhile, really does seem like the way to go in life. I used to look down on people that married for money, but then I was slapped in the face with a blown transmission, a flat tire, property taxes and doomsday prepping a year’s worth of food and toilet paper.

It really gets you serious about cutting carbs and working on your abs.

Sorry, Katie.

But for real, it was filled by models wearing expensive workout clothing. But let’s not kid ourselves – they don’t work out. Their genetics are just that good.

Welcome to where your betters flock.

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Anyways, we love it. And not just for the eye candy that is its clientele. I’d at best rank a 5 compared to these people. Katie? A solid 9. At least she belongs here.

So we started off with some drinks. Katie got a Bloody Mary.

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And I got black coffee. Mostly because life is pain and I can’t coast through it based on my looks.

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As the table of Adonis’s and Muses to the Gods laughed at something witty behind us, I caught a whiff of a smell that could help bury my feelings of inadequacy.

Monkey Bread.

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Oh fuck yes.

It was awesome. And it was only $4. Honestly it would have been perfect if there had been 4 of us, but Katie and I are strange and don’t have many friends. So we ate it alone…

So what did we eat after that? Well, first things first I had to take a photo of the menu because that’s apparently what “Food Blogs” do. I arranged this shot just for you people. Which consisted of me moving this around the table until it looked like a girl named Elsa who wears flannel and oversized nonprescription glasses took it.

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You’re welcome.

Anyways, I ordered Biscuits and Gravy, because I hate myself. They were awesome. Super rich. The gravy was made of dreams.

And will take 7 years off your life. But honestly, would you rather live an extra 7 years filled up with kale and yeast flakes or die happily stuffed with fat and carbs? Because this internet food writer person totally picks bacon.

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Katie got the Breakfast Tacos, which are stuffed with chorizo, eggs, potatoes and that happy feeling you get when your dog sees you come home and flips shit because they are just so happy you’re alive.

It’s served with an avocado salsa, which is awesome if you’re anyone but me. Fun fact: Avocados WILL kill me. I’m hyper-allergic to them. So Katie likes to order them when she’s mad at me so I won’t try to kiss her.

Katie:

Don’t piss me off. 

Noted.

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The food was awesome. Like, seriously awesome. You need to come here. We’ve come to brunch here about 80 times and I have NEVER had a bad meal. I’ve had so/so servers here (not everyone can be Andy) but the food has never let me down. High Five to the cooks.

How were the bathrooms? Weird and nice as fuck.

You see, they’ve combined the male and female bathrooms into one. Each stall is like a mini Ikea showroom that exits out into a common area. So don’t freak out when you’re done and see a girl hanging out, washing her hands, taking photos of the bathroom. Katie’s just trying to get the real scoop here.

Also, who doesn’t want to use the bathroom in a majestic field of wheat?

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Very nice bathrooms. Would totally use them again.

In conclusion – this place really got me thinking about that “All men are created equal” deal.

Spoiler alert: It’s bullshit.

The astronaut/entrepreneur/body-builder behind me was worth at least 2.4 of me. I need to step up my game. Maybe go back to school and get my degree in finance. Then I could start a blog called All the Dollars where I gloat about how awesome it is to be rich as hell while toasting my fellow Illuminati members as we use the media as a social engineering tool to make you all more easily controlled. Thus ushering in a new age of serfdom as you toil the fields of your cubicle to line my already well insulated pockets.

Bow down to your masters.

 

So how would we rate our brunch experience?

RYAN:

Taste: 10/10

Value: 8/10

Environment: 9/10

Bathrooms: 10/10

 

KATIE:

Taste: 9/10

Value: 8/10

Environment: 10/10

Bathrooms: 10/10

 

We like this place. A Lot. We also run into my friend Bryan like every time as well. Sup Bryan.

 

Urban Table. Go there. Now.

8232 Mission Rd, Prairie Village, KS 66208